There's A First For Everything
by SiriousB1
Summary: Rated because of drug usage. What happens when a strange man meets the Fellowship in the forest? Or, more importantly, what is he feeding the Fellowship? Watch out for the Giant Carrots!


Disclaimer: I do not own any Lord of the Rings characters and I do not own the Cheshire Cat's famous quote from Alice and Wonderland.  
  
There's a First for Everything  
  
The wind blew cold around the camp of nine. They were all huddled close to the fire, praying with all their might that it wouldn't go out.   
  
The group was all taking the adjustment differently. Aragorn, of all people, was the least disturbed by the sudden chill in the atmosphere, as he was a Ranger and regularly dealt with changes in weather. The dwarf was affected somewhat more than the ranger, but not so much as he had to deal with the low temperature of the dwarf caves in the mountains. Legolas was somewhat immune to the cold. He had grown up in the woods and was therefore used to all kinds of weather. Boromir was only human and could only bundle up in his cloaks to keep warm. The four young hobbits, however, had it worst. The conditions in Hobbiton were considerably different from those in the wild. They were used to normally springtime and summer weather, but most certainly not wintry circumstances such as this.  
  
"Blimey," said Pippin, thoughtfully, "I don't think I've ever been this cold in me life."  
  
"Pip," grumbled Sam, "never use the words 'I' and 'think' in the same sentence ever again." Sam was clearly agitated by the sudden strike of coldness. He huddled wrapped in his cloak as close to the fire as possible. "I'd make some warm soup, but I'm afraid my hands would freeze, go numb and fall off before I could bring any water to a boil."  
  
Frodo smiled. "I daresay that the water would be frozen before it even landed in the pot."  
  
"Joke all you want," said Merry, "but all I want right now is my nice, warm Hobbit-hole and a large cup of ale."  
  
As the hobbits dreamed about home and all the alcohol they could drink, Aragorn got up and started to walk about in the now snow-covered ground. It wasn't very deep; just a light dust covering the dirt.   
  
Legolas eyed him. "Is there something wrong?" he asked.  
  
Gimli snorted. "Of course there is: he's cold!"  
  
"No, Gimli," Aragorn said, not facing the group. "I am not all together that cold. However, I do believe that we are about to have company."  
  
Boromir jumped up quickly (but not to quickly as to have his cloak fall off) and grabbed his shield and sword. "Let them come," he said, briskly. "If anything, a good fight should make us all a bit warmer."  
  
Frodo stood up in his place. His curly brown hair blew softly across his face in the wind as more snow fell. "I see something," he said, quietly."  
  
"I see it too," Legolas said, also rising to his feet.   
  
"Well," said Gimli, impatiently, "what is it?"  
  
They all fell silent as Legolas said, "It's a torch. A man is carrying it and he's alone. He seems to be dragging something else behind him, as well."  
  
Pippin's ears perked up. "Do you think it might be some food? I could do with a few mushrooms right about now!"  
  
"Oh, I've got some mushrooms, all right," came a strong, husky voice from the forest.   
  
Gimli raised him axe, Legolas his bow, and Aragorn and Boromir their swords. Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo huddled together behind them all (behind the fire too, of course). They were ready to strike whenever the stranger came out off the forest, should he look like he'd cause harm. They were having a hard time controlling Pippin who was trembling and trying to run forward and grab some mushrooms that the man claimed he had.  
  
The time was now.  
  
The man stepped into the small clearing. He was creepy looking! He had on a long coat, something that no one in the fellowship had ever seen before, and was carrying an oil lamp in one hand and a large bag in the other. He had on a hat that was gray and beat up.   
  
"Hello, there," he said, bowing. He released the bag and took off his hat. Seeing this as a sign of friendliness, the warriors lowered their weapons. He did not appear to mean them any harm. Or so they thought.  
  
Aragorn stepped forward, clearly making himself the leader of the group. "Welcome, friend. You appear to be..."  
  
But he never got to finish, for, at that moment, Pippin broke free of the three hobbits grasps and rushed forward screaming, "Where are the mushrooms!?"  
  
The tall man laughed aloud, tossing his head back. "Well, well, little one, you seem to have a fondness of the 'shrooms?"  
  
"Um, yes sir," Pippin muttered. He seemed shy now. "But, that's not what we call them. We call them 'mushrooms'. I have never heard of them called 'shrooms' before."  
  
The man scratched his beard thoughtfully. "Hmm...perhaps we talk of different things. Well, similar, but different in a way." He smiled and reached into his bag. He pulled out a small, white object. It looked exactly like a...  
  
"Mushroom!!!" exclaimed Pippin happily. He jumped and caught the shroom out of the man's hand. He ran back to the fire and shoved the food into his mouth eagerly. Everyone laughed madly.   
  
"Well," said Boromir, stepping forward beside Aragorn, "I don't know about the rest of you, but I would like to know the name of this stranger."  
  
"Ah!" said the man. "Forgive my rudeness. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Earl."  
  
"Earl?" said Aragorn, pensively. "What an odd name. I take it you aren't from around here?" He paused, as Earl shook his head no. "Now that we know your name, it is time you learned ours!" He pointed to people as he called their name. "This is Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Sam, Merry, Frodo, Pippin, Gandalf and I am Aragorn."  
  
Gandalf steps forward, looking very old and wise, like always.  
  
"Earl," he said, "I wonder if you would do us all a favor."  
  
The man shrugged. "Sure, whatever."  
  
"It seems that Pippin has deeply enjoyed these mushrooms that you have in your bag. I wonder if you'd share them with the rest of us. You see, we have been traveling for some time and lately our rations have dropped below our likeness."  
  
Another hearty laugh erupted from Earl's throat. "Of course, of course! I have shrooms a plenty and I'd be happy to share!"  
  
He handed two or three mushrooms out to each of the Fellowship, but he took none for himself. "Eat up!" he laughed. "Enjoy yourselves; you look tired!"  
  
The group took the mushrooms eagerly and ate them on the spot. Then, they all sat around the campfire and talked to the man about this and that. It was all going well until Pippin shot up in his seat.  
  
"IT'S A GIANT CARROT!" he screamed. "IT HAS FANGS AND IT'S DROOLING! WE MUST ALL RUN OR WE SHALL SURELY PARISH!!!"  
  
Frodo shook Pippin by the shoulder. "Pippin, what are you talking about? Giant carrots? There is nothing of the sort here!" But Pippin wasn't listening; he was too busy shrieking about giant, killer vegetables and running in circles around the fire.  
  
"Hark!" cried Aragorn and he too stood. "Look yonder! It is Elrond! Elrond is coming...and Arwen is with him too! Come, we must prepare to have the beautiful princess and her father at our camp!" He began to bustle about trying to dust the snow off of the logs that they were sitting on. This was a great trouble as he was attempting to do so with the others still seated on them.  
  
It was Sam and Frodo who were struck sickened next.   
  
"Frodo!" Sam exclaimed.  
  
"Sam!" returned Frodo.  
  
They both started to skip around the fire, holding hands, singing, "A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow basket, a little boy picked it up and put it in his pocket!" The most disturbing thing of all of this was that they appeared to be pretending to be playing hopscotch in the snow. And yet...there was no hopscotch set up! (A/N: Yeah, I don't know what the hopscotch board thing is called, so bare with me...)  
  
"My god!" screamed Merry. "Look at the size of that potato! And that lettuce head! And that..."   
  
"CARROT!!!!!!!!!" cried him and Pippin together. And so it came that Merry joined Pippin in squealing about killer vegetables.  
  
Legolas turned his chin up in the air. "Humph," he said, "what on Middle Earth has gotten into them? I don't like being around deranged people; they make me sneeze. And, of course, there is only one remedy for sneezing..." He took out of his bag a small, shiny mirror and then proceeded to gaze at his reflection. Until...  
  
"AHHHH!!!" he hollered, dropping the mirror to the ground where it shattered into several pieces.  
  
"Dear God, man," Gandalf said, "What is wrong?"  
  
"It's a...it's a..." Legolas stammered, tears beginning to form on the rims of his eyes, "it's a...ZIT!!!!"  
  
He begins to pick up the shards of mirror off of the snow and angle them towards one particular part of his face: under his nose, a little to the left. He groans, "It's huge!" But, of course, there was no sign of any sort of pimple whatsoever.  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, "Honestly, some elves these days..." But he was never able to finish his thought for, at exactly that moment, Gimli rose and began hacking away at an invisible creature with his axe.  
  
"Back, fiend!" he cried. "You won't take Moria while I, Gimli son of Gloin, are around!"  
  
Boromir stared at the fellowship in shock. "There mad," he said, turning to Gandalf and Earl. "They're all bloody mad!"  
  
Earl shrugged if off replying, "We're all mad here. I'm mad; you're mad."  
  
Gandalf cocked his head towards the man in disgust. "Mad! Don't tell us we're mad, man! They're the ones who are...who are..." But, yet again, his sentence was cut off, but for a wholly different reason. He jumped up and tripped immediately, his head crashing to the ground.   
  
"Whoops," he yelled in delight! He then got back up only to fall down once more. "Silly banana peels lying around all over the place! Now, who would bother eating all of these bananas? Whoops!!"  
  
As Gandalf proceeds to babble on like an idiot who just happens to be slipping on make-believe banana peels, Earl chuckles merrily to himself. "What fools these people are!" he thinks to himself. "Now, about this last guy...yes!"  
  
At exactly that moment, Boromir started scratching relentlessly at his arms, legs, face, shoulders, and...um...other places...basically he was scratching all over his body!  
  
"Get them off of me!" he hollered. "Get them off, get them off, get them OFF!" To Earl's disgust (and simple amusement), Boromir's skin began to tear slightly on his left elbow. Blood dripped steadily from the wound, and soon other similar punctures were appearing on his body!  
  
"Well," sighed Earl, "there is always that one mushroom that goes bad. Oh well."  
  
He glanced back at Boromir who was yelling, "Get these bugs off of me!! Why are they coming out of my skin???? Holy Mother of a Gondor-ian Whore, save me!"  
  
////////////////////// 30 MINUTES LATER//////////////////////////  
  
Earl looks around at the nine, unconscious figures sprawled across the snowy forest floor. It seemed that their minds hadn't produced too horrible hallucinogenic images. Well, with the exception of Boromir's scratching-wounds that had just stopped bleeding. Of course, it was all a result of foolishly eating the 'shrooms!   
  
He laughed suddenly. He didn't envy the headache they would have when they woke up!  
  
*Strange, childish music sounds*   
  
Strange-grownup-talking-to-a-little-kid voice: And the morale of this story is, never take drugs! Or is it never talk to strangers? Or is it never except gifts from strangers? Or is it always take drugs from strangers? I'm confuzzled...  
  
A/N: Well, watcha' think? I was really bored when I wrote this (can't you tell?), so forgive the stupidity of it all! I guess that it all comes around as a result of the Mushroom Samba episode of Cowboy BeBop! I'm considering writing a sequel (no, I'm not telling what it's about!) but only if I get some reviews. Actually, if I don't get reviews I'll probably still write it if I feel like doing so. Whatever. 


End file.
